


As a Friend

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Drama, Episode Related, M/M, Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-11-23
Updated: 1999-11-23
Packaged: 2018-11-11 04:30:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11141052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: Fraser comes out at last. Set between "Flashback" and "Burning Down the House"





	As a Friend

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

As a Friend

## "As a Friend"

Pairings: Fraser/Vecchio   
Ratings: PG-13 for m/m themes.   
Spoilers: Tiny ones for "Burning Down the House", maybe.   
Disclaimer: Alliance owns dueSouth and its characters. This is fanfic. No profit, no problem, eh?   
Summary: Fraser comes out at last. Set between "Flashback" and "Burning Down the House".   
Feedback: Yes! All kinds except flames welcome.   
Comments to

#### "As a Friend" by Sandy Steiner

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>   
> 
> 
> _///"I never hated you, Ray. Envied you, maybe. You have a freedom that I wish I had.///_
> 
>   
> 
> 
> *********
> 
>   
> 
> 
> "Ray, could I possibly talk to you for a while?" 
> 
> Ray wiped his mouth and set down his napkin. The dinner his Ma had insisted he and Benny eat had tasted as good as always, even four hours late. "Sure, Benny. Talk away." 
> 
> "In private?" 
> 
> Ray frowned at his partner. The Mountie obviously had something on his mind. Benny didn't get that pensive look for nothing. "This doesn't have anything to do with my sister, does it?" 
> 
> "I don't believe so." 
> 
> Ray raised his voice enough to carry into the Vecchio's living room. "Ma! Benny and me are going for a walk. Don't wait up!" 
> 
> "All right, caro," came the sound of his mother's voice, over the tv movie-of-the-week. "Be sure to take your coat, it's chilly out." 
> 
> "Yeah, Ma!" Ray got up from the table and dutifully grabbed his coat. He threw Benny his navy peacoat and waited until he'd pulled it on. "You ready? Let's head over to the park." 
> 
> "Yes, Ray. Dief!" 
> 
> Lying on the kitchen floor in a post-lasagna haze, Dief merely grumbled, not even bothering to lift his head. 
> 
> Fraser pursed his lips together in disapproval. "Fine. Have it your way." 
> 
> Ray grinned at the interaction and led the way out the door. 
> 
> The night was unseasonably cold for late spring, almost cold enough to make Ray's breath condense into little white plumes. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and strolled toward the park, Benny following along beside. After a block and a half, Ray asked, "So, Benny. What's on your mind?" 
> 
> Fraser was slow to answer, and when he did, it was with a question. "Ray, are you my friend?" 
> 
> Ray turned his head to look at his partner. Benny had his head down, watching his toes mark pace on the sidewalk. "What kind of a question is that?" 
> 
> "Are you my friend?" 
> 
> "Yeah, sure. I'm your friend, Benny." 
> 
> "Would you consider us close friends, Ray?" 
> 
> Ray stopped and faced Fraser. "Benny, what is this? You're not gonna get mushy on me here, are you?" 
> 
> Fraser met his gaze, and his eyes were dark and very serious. "You once accused me of being a robot. I know you've wondered if I was human. How can I talk to you, as one human being to another, when you won't even admit that we're close friends?" 
> 
> Ray threw up his hands, then patted Benny on the shoulders. "Ah, jeez. Okay. I'm sorry. You're my friend. My close friend. There, I said it. Are you happy now?" 
> 
> But Benny just flicked his thumbnail across his eyebrow and kept walking. Ray jumped to catch up, and fell into step beside him. "C'mon, Benny. You gonna talk to me, here?" 
> 
> Fraser didn't reply. Sometimes the Mountie really could be the most irritating man on Earth. Benny had wanted to talk to *him*, had dragged Ray all the way out here, and now he was shut up tighter than a clam. Ray sighed, and let Benny keep quiet for a few more minutes. By the time they'd reached the park he'd had enough, and stopped Fraser with a tug on his coat sleeve. 
> 
> "Fraser --" Ray stopped and started again, forcing his voice to be gentle. "Benny, you can talk to me. I'm sorry for getting jumpy back there, all right? Whatever it is, you can tell me." He moved his hand down and squeezed Benny's forearm. 
> 
> Fraser looked at his hand on his arm for a long second, then licked his lips. "Ray, I'm afraid I have a confession to make." 
> 
> Ray remembered the last time Fraser had said those words to him. His stomach sank. "You're sure this doesn't have anything to do with Frannie?" 
> 
> Benny shook his head. "No, Ray. Although -- although it does concern a matter of the heart." 
> 
> "Okay, then shoot." 
> 
> "Ray," Benny started, then he laced his fingers together and stared down at them, chin buried in his chest. Obviously he was searching for the courage to say whatever he had to say. "Ray --" He broke off a second time. 
> 
> Ray squeezed the arm under his hand a little. "C'mon, Benny," he urged in his gentlest voice yet. His tone must have helped, because Benny swung his head up, faced him squarely, and blurted: 
> 
> "Ray, I have reason to believe that I'm gay." 
> 
> Ray drew his hand back. "What?" 
> 
> "I'm gay." 
> 
> Ray blinked. Then he laughed out loud. "No way! There's no way that you're gay, Fraser! I've seen the way you and the Dragon Lady make eyes at each other. You are not gay." 
> 
> Fraser seemed to find his assertion upsetting. The Mountie set his jaw and stood a little straighter, as close to anger as Ray had ever seen him. He snapped, actually snapped: "All right, I suppose technically the term would be bisexual. But regardless of the terminology, the point is that I find men sexually attractive!" 
> 
> Ray blinked again. He couldn't quite believe Fraser would admit to finding anyone 'sexually attractive', let alone other men. Ray sank down on a nearby park bench, resting his elbows on his knees. It couldn't be true. It couldn't. Not Benny. After a moment's hesitation, Fraser sat next to him. The Chicago night crept along in silence while Ray simply sat and tried to cope with this change in his friend. 
> 
> "You really are gay?" 
> 
> "Yes, Ray." Immediate, sure, and blunt as a two-by-four. 
> 
> Benny was gay. Oh, God. Ray rubbed at his face with one long hand. "Okay. I... I guess I can handle that." And he could, for Fraser's sake. Somehow. 
> 
> But Fraser didn't look any happier. "There's more." 
> 
> More? What more could Fraser possibly have to say, after telling him he was gay? Ray gestured for him to go on. 
> 
> "Ray..." Fraser looked down at his linked hands, just as he had minutes before. Somehow, Ray got the odd sense that he was praying. "Ray, I love you." 
> 
> Something short-circuited in Ray Vecchio's mind. He stared at the Mountie, and knew his eyes were as round as saucers. He repeated Fraser's words back to him. "You love me. You love me?" 
> 
> "Yes, Ray." 
> 
> This wasn't happening. "You love me like a brother, right?" 
> 
> "Well, yes. I suppose I do feel a somewhat fraternal connection to you at times." 
> 
> "And like a friend. You love me like a friend?" 
> 
> "Yes, Ray, I do love you as a friend as well." But Fraser wouldn't let him get away that easy. "I love you as a friend and a brother, Ray," he said. "But I also love you in... other ways." Fraser glanced up at him, and then slowly met his eyes. 
> 
> "Jesus!" Ray leaped up from the park bench, needing to get away from the warmth he saw in Fraser's eyes. "Jesus Christ!" 
> 
> This was sick. It was twisted. Fraser wanted to do... things to him. Fraser probably wanted to kiss him. Ray paced back and forth on the gravel path, his hands flying through the air like birds with nowhere to land. His mouth was running and he had no idea what he was saying. 
> 
> It was too much. Fraser being gay, that he could cope with. But Fraser wanting to be gay with *him*... that was disgusting. Ray continued to curse, not noticing when he lapsed into Italian. Nor did he notice when Fraser's head dropped in despair, or the way the Mountie hunched into himself as Ray's voice grew ever more strident. 
> 
> Finally Ray began to run down. He stopped in front of Fraser. "Why did you do this to me, Fraser? Why did you tell me this? Why?!" 
> 
> "I needed to, Ray." 
> 
> That tiny, forlorn voice caught Ray's attention and he looked, really looked, at his friend. "Oh, God." 
> 
> Everything inside Ray came to a screeching halt. Fraser's eyes were shut tight, his chin tucked firmly against his chest. He had his arms wrapped around himself as if he could hold himself together, and his face was gray and etched with pain. Ray had never seen Benny look so miserable, not even after Victoria. Without a single thought the detective crouched down and grabbed Fraser's hands. 
> 
> "Benny. Benny, I'm sorry." 
> 
> Fraser swallowed, thickly, not opening his eyes. "I'm sorry, too, Ray." 
> 
> "Don't be," Ray said quickly. "Don't ever be sorry for loving someone." 
> 
> Fraser's eyes shot open, and he raised his head a little. Ray shook his head slightly, forestalling the hope he saw rising in those slate blue eyes, feeling like a heel. "I *am* sorry, Benny. I'm just not that way, you know? I do love you, as a friend, maybe even a brother. But I'm just not attracted to guys. And even if I was, the Church says it's wrong." 
> 
> Fraser shot him a laser-sharp glance, attempting to withdraw his hands from Ray's grasp. "If you were in love with me, would you let that stop you?" 
> 
> Ray didn't let him go. "Seriously? No. I don't think so. Not if I was really in love with you. I mean, the Church is important to me, but I'm not nuts about it, like Ma." 
> 
> "I... suppose that's good." Benny tugged on Ray's hands again, trying to free himself, and this time Ray released him. Benny used a finger to loosen his collar, scrape over his eyebrow, and then finally both hands came up and scrubbed at his face as if he were trying to erase the last five minutes of his life. 
> 
> That was a desire Ray could sympathize with. 
> 
> At last Benny dropped his hands to his lap. To an outside observer he looked calm and composed, but Ray knew better. Fraser confirmed it by saying, "I... I hope this hasn't damaged our friendship, Ray." 
> 
> Ray felt saddened now, himself. The best he could do was tell Benny the truth. "I hope so too, Benny. But I can't promise you it won't. I think you should know that." 
> 
> "I appreciate your honesty. Thank you for that, at least." Fraser sighed, and he sounded tired, and about a million years old. 
> 
> Ray almost reached out to pat him, but he drew back. He didn't want to give Benny the wrong idea. He really wasn't gay. Touching Benny would just remind him of what he could never have. 
> 
> "Hey, it's not the end of the world," Ray said instead. He knew everybody said that, but he had to do something. "You'll find somebody else, Benny. Just give it some time." 
> 
> But Fraser just gave the tiniest shake of his head, his heart in his eyes. Ray read the loneliness there and felt his chest ache. He wished, he really wished, that he could be what Benny needed, that he could give Benny the kind of love he wanted. But he couldn't. It just wasn't in him to love another man, not like that. 
> 
> "I know you're probably feeling pretty torn up right now. You just need some time to get over it, you know?" 
> 
> Benny tilted his head to one side, in that way he had. "Perhaps." 
> 
> "No 'perhaps' about it. Trust me on this one, Benny. Look," Ray offered suddenly. "Why don't you ask the Dragon Lady for some time off? You can go up North, commune with nature a little bit, maybe chase a few Canadian bad-guys for a change. It'll do you good to go back home for a while, and when you come back, everything will be like it was. You can irritate me, and I can insult you, and we'll both be happy. All right?" Ray grinned. 
> 
> Benny mustered up an answering smile for him, but it was weak. "It would be good to see home again," he mused slowly. "Perhaps a working vacation isn't a bad idea." 
> 
> "There, then it's settled. You wait and see, Benny. It'll do you a world of good to frolic about in the snow up there." Ray dusted his hands together, satisfied. 
> 
> "Well Ray, I doubt there will be much snow. The thaw is already well past, even that far north. By the time my application for leave is approved, I'm sure it will be full summer. However, I could always climb a mountain if I want to see snow." 
> 
> "Whatever, Benny," Ray said, glad to hear even a half-hearted lecture. He stood up and offered his hand to Fraser. "Come on, Benny. Let's go back and get Dief, and then I'll drive you home." 
> 
> "Thank you kindly, Ray." Benny took his hand and let Ray pull him to his feet. 
> 
>   
> 
> 
> *********
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>   
> 
> 
> _///You understand that, uh, I will be in touch?_
> 
> As a friend? 
> 
> Yeah, Benny. As a friend./// 
> 
>   
> 
> 
> *********
> 
>   
> 
> 
> _///What do you make of it?_
> 
> It's a message. 
> 
> Something I should worry about? 
> 
> No, no. No, everything's all right. Everything is actually fine. 
> 
> Okay. Well... 
> 
> Hey, Ray... would you like to go and get something to eat with me?///
> 
>   
> 
> 
> *********
> 
>   
> 
> 
> END 

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Comments to 


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